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delayed ejaculation

How To Delay Ejaculation

How To Define “Premature”?

Several large scale studies have suggested that the most common male sexual dysfunction is premature ejaculation (otherwise known as PE). Unfortunately there is no consistent definition of the word “premature”, nor indeed is there any definiton of delayed ejaculation. (If you are seeking to recover the ability to ejaculate in a timely way during sex this book might help.)

And there’s another point here – we tend to think of a man who ejaculates quickly as being a poor lover… but what if quick ejaculation was normal in the human male? How would that affect our thinking? It would mean that to last longer in bed, to delay their climax, men must learn how to control their natural responses during sex.

Previous attempts to define just what is “premature” when it comes to the male orgasm have been based on the number of pelvic thrusts before ejaculation, or the time before ejaculation, or the level of satisfaction with sex of both the man and his partner. Not very helpful. Men want to know how long they “should” last during intercourse. Just what is the normal delay before male orgasm? How would anyone know? 

Video – Laci Green On 2 Minute Sex

We Don’t Know How Delayed Ejaculation Stacks Up

Startlingly, it has been shown that up to half of all men come too quickly for their liking, and this includes even those men in couples who are happily married or in long term relationships. But what may be even more astonishing to you is that up to 25% of young men’s first attempts at sexual intercourse result in ejaculation outside the vagina, before they’ve even penetrated their partner…..!

So let’s look at some expert opinions of what a good definition of premature might be. By doing so, we might be able to say what men need to do to fall into the category of average delay before ejaculation.

The fourth version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association (DSM-IV) defines premature ejaculation as a condition in which a man regularly experiences climax (i.e. orgasm and emission of semen) with only a little stimulation, before he wishes it to happen, which may be at the point of vaginal penetration or very shortly afterwards.

But this is meaningless if a man is with a new sexual partner or is sexually inexperienced: a rapid climax with ejaculation is the norm in such circumstances. It’s also meaningless if a man is on medication which is prompting him to come quickly.

Is Not Knowing How To Delay Climax Really A Problem?

Well, probably only when it’s causing a man or his partner lots of emotional stress or interpersonal difficulty, so their lives are adversely affected. And that’s more common than you might think – for although not knowing how to delay enough during intercourse may be a problem for men that seems trivial to you, it can be a major problem for some men and women.

The DSM-IV (a medical manual which defines every disease known to mankind) lists three other factors that might be important in a definition:

  • 1) rapid ejaculation can be either a life-long condition or it acquired after the onset of sexual maturity, perhaps even when a man has considerable sexual experience
  • 2) lack of delay may occur with all sexual partners, or might be specific to one partner, or for that matter, a set of circumstances
  • 3) and it may be psychologically caused – by one or many factors working together.

Obviously therefore, if we are to call the performance in bed of a man with little or no sexual experience “premature ejaculation”, this will be the most prevalent form of the condition.

Young men in this category have a strong sex drive and often ejaculate before they desire to do so. For men like this, lasting longer during sex may be mostly about getting more experience in bed.

Their “prematurity” is in part provoked by the emotional tension and arousal or anxiety which they may experience before and during intercourse.

Oddly, a very common contributing factor to PE is erectile dysfunction: there may be long periods of time between sex (due to the man not having an erection very often) so that the novelty and stimulation of the situation cause an over-rapid climax; the man will often lose his erection just as he ejaculates.

There are many other definitions of PE: one that we have mentioned elsewhere on this site is when ejaculation takes place with a delay of less than two minutes after penetration more than 50% of the times when a couple make love. Most men in this situation would want to last longer than two minutes before they came during sex.

Another very vague definition is that sex lasts for less than one hundred thrusts after penetration. And yet another centers on a man’s lack of voluntary control over his ejaculatory reflex.

Some clinicians have suggested that release (of semen during orgasm) is “premature” if it occurs before a man’s partner experiences a vaginal orgasm. As one critic responded, every man in the world would be considered a premature ejaculator if this was the case.

But maybe there is a glimmer of truth in that suggestion – the art of lasting long enough during intercourse to fully satisfy a female partner is not something most men even think about.  Pioneering sex therapists Masters and Johnson’s definition depended to a large extent on the level of satisfaction of the woman during sex.

They talked about delayed ejaculation as being something done by the man that meant a woman could not achieve orgasm in 50% of intercourse attempts. Well, as we know all very well, few women ever reach orgasm through intercourse, so this definition is highly questionable.

delayed ejaculation

Delayed Ejaculation

Bernard Apfelbaum has done a lot of research on sexual dysfunction in men.

He believes that some men who have trouble reaching their climax during partnered sex actually have an “autosexual orientation”.

In other words, they prefer masturbatory stimulation by their own hand rather than any kind of sex with a partner.

He says such men are not being selfish. Rather, he suggests, they may be over-concerned with pleasing their partners, because they focus too much on their partner’s pleasure at the expense of their own.

That means they are unaware of their own sexual pleasure or arousal and don’t “notice” or respond to the stimulation they are experiencing.

Apfelbaum called this “partner anorgasmia”, because the symptoms of delayed ejaculation only show up in the presence of a partner.

The difficulty that a man with delays in his ejaculation has in obtaining sexual satisfaction (or even sexual arousal) with his partner is hidden behind a hard and prolonged erection, but this physical sign of apparently high arousal is actually associated with low levels of sexual arousal.

Apfelbaum believes that such an erection is not really an expression of sexual desire and excitement, but an automatic mechanism which the man uses to fulfill his partner’s expectations.

He suggests men with delayed ejaculation (also called retarded ejaculation) may be driven by a desire to satisfy their partner rather than to obtain their own satisfaction or take care of their own sexual needs and desires.

They are in effect too conscientious, too controlled, and too aware of their responsibilities during sex – which they see as satisfying and pleasing their partner.

This, suggests Apfelbaum, makes the man unable to satisfy himself, and gives the man an aura of being unable to enjoy sex, which in turn makes his partner feel that she cannot do anything pleasing for him.

This idea has a lot to support it; a recent study seemed to show that men with delayed ejaculation have lower levels of sexual arousal than men with other sexual dysfunctions and men who come easily during sex.

An Interesting Way Of Looking At Delayed Ejaculation (DE)

The simplest and most common definition of delayed ejaculation is the inability to ejaculate during intercourse, or difficulty in doing so.

Delays in ejaculation may mean a man is slow to reach (or cannot reach) his point of no return.

In days gone by, the preferred treatment was to apply highly intense stimulation to a man’s penis before intercourse, at a level which was so intense it would (hopefully) make the man ejaculate.

This so-called treatment was based on the belief that once a man had overcome his inhibitions around ejaculation, and in particular once he’d managed to ejaculate inside the vagina, he’d be able to enjoy intercourse successfully in the future.

 A Problem Like DE Needs Radical Answers

When a man is slow to ejaculate, his erection – which is usually hard and long lasting – may not represent arousal at all. It may just represent an automatic response to sexual stimulation.

Often, men with DE do not particularly enjoy intercourse, and they may even regard it with some distaste, or perhaps as a “job” which has to be done because the man’s sexual partner expects it.

And it may even be the case that a man who has difficulty ejaculating is more aroused sexually by his own touch than by the touch of a partner.  

Another person’s touch – could it be a turn-off?

More importantly, some men may even be inhibited by the touch of another person. Even more oddly, a man with delayed ejaculation may find his penis to be more or less insensitive to stimulation when he’s involved in a sexual relationship with a woman.

According to Bernard Apfelbaum’s, delayed ejaculation can be seen as a sexual desire disorder, specific to the relationship with a particular sexual partner.

This is most clear during sexual intercourse, when the man’s sexual arousal is really low – and stays that way.

Degrees of Severity

At one end of the range are men who reach orgasm and ejaculate easily during self-pleasuring [masturbation], and for whom reaching orgasm is only challenging during intercourse.

The opposite end of the range is represented by the very few men who have never had an orgasm of any kind under any circumstances.

Treatment Of Ejaculation Difficulty?

Apfelbaum says treatment strategies have usually been directed only at the man’s inability to reach orgasm during intercourse, which cuts out men who cannot reach orgasm under any circumstances.

He says that part of the difficulty of both defining and treating DE is accounted for by the fact that there are in fact two separate syndromes which we call delayed ejaculation.

He observes that one type of delayed ejaculation involves a man who can reach orgasm easily and enjoys doing so during masturbation.

The other group, he suggests, is composed of men who cannot even reach orgasm during masturbation.

That leads us to a new definition – which seems to define the condition by a single factor: that only a man’s own touch is erotically arousing, and his orientation is basically “autosexual” i.e. masturbatory.

(By the way autosexuality is not an indication of homosexuality.)

Of course there are more defining factors: one is that a man will experience sexual intercourse as unpleasant or even disagreeable.

And here’s the thing: when a therapist starts from the presumption that all men will or “should” enjoy sexual intercourse, the whole course of treatment is defined too – often incorrectly. Start from a different place, and everything that follows is different too.

Can multiple female orgasms result from delayed ejaculation during long-lasting intercourse?

In general, one oddity of delayed ejaculation is that the partners of men with this dysfunction are indeed often multi-orgasmic.

They often respond with multiple orgasms to the sexual stimulation they are receiving during intercourse, despite the fact that these women may feel rejected and frustrated during intercourse.

This is often due to the fact that a man with this condition can sustain a hard erection which can give his partner a lot of physical stimulation.

And that’s true even when psychological or emotional stimulation is missing. In Bernard Apfelbaum’s words, he is the “workhorse” of sexual relationships. And he resents it.

Finally, Apfelbaum observes that many men with anorgasmia have a kind of compulsion to please their partner sexually, and that this compulsion creates both resentment and (sometimes) pleasure for the man as he unconsciously withholds his orgasm from his sexual partner.

But of course, you have to be careful here (especially if you’re a therapist), because saying that a man experiences sex as “a continuous demand for performance” is something you can never prove.

“Apfelbaum is not only a creative theorist in the field of sex therapy; he is an innovator in the practice of sex therapy.” From Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy (2nd Ed), S. R. Lieblum & L.A. Pervin (Eds), Guilford Press: NY, 1989.

delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation

Premature and delayed ejaculation

How fast is premature ejaculation?

Alfred Kinsey discovered that three quarters of men ejaculated within 2 minutes of penetration in more than 50% of their sexual encounters with their partner.

However, Masters and Johnson came up with a definition of PE as an ejaculation that occurred before the woman had reached orgasm. You can see, superficially at least, that such a conclusion could be inferred from Alfred Kinsey’s findings about male sexual performance, but Masters and Johnson were certainly guilty of making the assumption that orgasm through intercourse would otherwise be a natural outcome of coitus for the majority, if not all, women.

The reality is that modern research demonstrates not much has changed since Kinsey’s days, despite a plethora of works on the Internet claiming that premature ejaculation affects only 20 to 30% of men. The prevalence of PE is much higher than this. For example, research by the University of Kohn in Germany demonstrated that the majority of men who describe themselves as having premature ejaculation lasted for an average time of 2 minutes and 30 seconds from the beginning of intercourse to the point of ejaculation, while those men who did not describe themselves as having premature ejaculation managed to last an average time of only 3 minutes.

There is absolutely no reason to doubt the accuracy of this research, and so premature ejaculation is actually the normal condition of the human male! Of course, that’s a statement which only becomes meaningful when a definition of premature ejaculation is supplied! From a functional point of view such as Masters and Johnson were adopting, it’s very tempting to relate male sexual performance to the achievement of female orgasm. If we resist that temptation, and instead look at levels of partner satisfaction, a good definition becomes easier to formulate.

We could move from Alfred Kinsey’s definition of premature ejaculation – that the man’s ejaculation happens within two minutes of the start of intercourse – to a more meaningful definition, something like this: that the man ejaculates before either he or his partner are fully sexually satisfied, leaving them wishing that intercourse could continue for longer.

This definition doesn’t relate the occurrence of premature ejaculation to the female orgasm, it simply relates it to partner satisfaction with the sexual interaction. Many women report that they find intercourse enjoyable mostly because of the deep emotional connection that they feel with their male partner, whether or not they achieve orgasm.

There is, of course, an element of physical pleasure as well from the stimulation of the vagina during sexual thrusting, and it’s not unreasonable to suggest that the longer this lasts, the more satisfaction a woman will experience during intercourse, regardless again of whether she orgasms or not. For the man, satisfaction is more likely to be around the issue of how he feels about his sexual performance; if he ejaculates quickly he’s likely to report feeling less masculine, less satisfied, and less confident around his sexuality and his ability to please women.

In conclusion, you can see how the components of a practical, working definition of premature ejaculation begin to evolve when you combine both works of Alfred Kinsey and Masters and Johnson.

Helen Singer Kaplan was a sex therapist in the 1970s and 80s, who in her own way was as much a pioneer in the treatment of premature ejaculation as Masters and Johnson were, back in the 50s and 60s. Her definition of premature ejaculation centered on the man’s ability to control when he came. In other words, she was defining the sexual dysfunction in terms of how much voluntary control the man had over his orgasm and ejaculation.

Men who ejaculated rapidly and uncontrollably, often with little warning that they were about to reach orgasm and ejaculate, could therefore be defined as premature ejaculators, or or at least as severely lacking in ejaculatory control, whilst men who exercised a greater degree of choice over the point at which they came during sexual activity, could be said to have greater staying power, and would not be classed as having PE.

Now on the face of it, this seems very sensible, because one of the things that’s immediately apparent to all therapists who are working in this field is that many men who come quickly (although not all of them) certainly lack any choice or control over the timing when they ejaculate. Many men say they are taken by surprise by their “release”; that it seems to come from nowhere, without any warning. From a treatment perspective, it’s important to keep in mind that the man’s degree of control, or perceived degree of control, over his ejaculation can influence the treatment strategies which one uses. For example, delayed ejaculation involves a quite different set of criteria.

Helen Singer Kaplan used the stop-start technique, which is described on this website. Essentially, the method was based on showing a man how to identify the sensations that preceded his orgasm (in terms of Masters and Johnson’s sexual response cycle, these were the sensations that indicated the man was about to make the transition from the arousal phase to the orgasm phase of his sexual response cycle; in biological terms the sensations represent the release of semen from the seminal vesicles into the posterior urethra, prior to its expulsion from the body moment of ejaculation; in layman terms, this is the “point of no return”, or “point of ejaculatory inevitability”). In addition, a man was shown how to gauge his own level of arousal on a scale between 0 and 10, where 10 represents the point at which he would inevitably ejaculate. With these two pieces of information at hand, a man could learn to extend his sexual longevity by interrupting his “dash to orgasm”.

He could practice during masturbation by stimulating himself until he reached a high level of arousal, near orgasm, but not at the point of emission. By interrupting the cycle of his sexual arousal, simply by stopping stimulation for a few seconds so that his arousal decreased, though his erection remained hard, he would then be able to take more stimulation before reaching “the point of no return” next time. In treatment, he was instructed to continue rhythmically stroking the shaft tip of his penis until he reached the point of no return again. By repeating this process three times ejaculating on the fourth time freely and quickly, he would discover that his capacity to take sexual stimulation without reaching the point of no return, the point ejaculatory inevitability would be significantly increased.

Definction of premature ejaculation – revisited

The first question is – who or what determines what “premature” or “rapid” actually means? More to the point, perhaps, is rapid ejaculation really a sexual dysfunction, or is it merely a lifestyle condition? Is it possible that it could simply be part of the normal range of human sexuality, and if so why should we bother to treat it?

Definitions all speak of the time between penetration and ejaculation; they all speak of voluntary control of ejaculation or the lack of it; and they all refer to the occurrence of distress or interpersonal disharmony because of it. There is actually another definition of PE produced by the World Health Organization (referred to as ICD–10) which defines premature ejaculation as an ejaculation which occurs within 15 seconds of intercourse beginning – this seems so short as to be practically useless.

Any doctor or therapist who sees a man with this condition has, de facto, to make three extra judgments, including: (1)  whether or not the condition has recently risen (acquired PE) or it’s been present for the whole of the man’s life (lifelong PE); (2) whether it occurs only in specific situations or in every sexual situation a man is involved with; and (3) whether it is the result of psychological factors alone, or psychological and physical factors together.

It turns out that when you apply these additional diagnostic criteria to the definition of PE, about two thirds of men have lifelong form the dysfunction, while only a third have the acquired type. (Acquired means that PE has developed later in life, whilst lifelong means that it has been present from his first sexual encounter.)

The complexity and difficulty of diagnosis and definition of premature ejaculation is demonstrated very clearly indeed by the fact that there have been reports that lifelong “sufferers” may benefit less from treatment in the long-term with SSRI type drugs than those who acquired the condition some time after their sexual career had started.  

As you can see, adding specifiers such as lifelong or acquired, and generalized versus situational, to the basic definition of premature ejaculation produces many more problems and increases the difficulty of objectively diagnosing and defining this dysfunction.

All of this difficulty in diagnosis and definition affects not only scientific researchers but doctors and therapists too. In many studies published in scientific journals, markedly different times between penetration and ejaculation have been used to define rapid ejaculation. It’s only recently that more objective data about IELT (intra-vaginal ejaculatory latency time, the time between penetration and ejaculation) has become available. This has revealed that the average duration of intercourse in what we may call “non-premature ejaculating” men is 7.3 minutes, while among men with the condition it’s just under 2 minutes. 

In certain cases, Helen Singer Kaplan’s definition of rapid ejaculation is appropriate, where the cause of the man’s rapid ejaculation is simply the fact he hasn’t learned the techniques necessary to establish voluntary control of orgasm and arousal. In other cases, a definition that specifies a certain time for intercourse is important in determining treatment, as in the case of a man who presented himself for treatment because his girlfriend was complaining that he hadn’t been able to give her an orgasm during intercourse (and that therefore he must have premature ejaculation). On investigation it transpired this man could easily last 20 minutes before he ejaculated with no difficulty, and it was hard to convince him that he did not require treatment for PE! He certainly did not match any standard definition of premature ejaculation. This is a not uncommon phenomenon where a woman whose own orgasmic difficulties prevent her from enjoying sex blames her man and his ejaculatory capacity.

bromance

Shadow and Emotional Connection Between Men

 “Bromance”

“Bromance” is a colloquial term that combines “brother” and “romance” to describe a close, non-sexual, and affectionate friendship between two or more men. It refers to a strong and deep emotional connection and camaraderie between male friends, often characterized by a sense of trust, loyalty, and emotional support. While the term “bromance” is relatively recent, the concept of close male friendships has existed throughout history.

Some key characteristics of a bromance may include:

Emotional openness: Bromances often involve a level of emotional intimacy that goes beyond traditional notions of masculinity. Men in bromances may feel comfortable sharing their feelings and discussing personal issues with each other.

Strong bond: These friendships are typically marked by a deep sense of trust and loyalty. Bromance partners may rely on each other for support in various aspects of their lives.

Shared interests: Many bromances are built on shared hobbies, interests, or experiences. Common activities might include watching sports, playing video games, or pursuing similar career goals.

Non-sexual: Bromances are strictly platonic, and the affection shared between the individuals is not romantic or sexual in nature. These relationships are differentiated from romantic or sexual partnerships.

Supportive network: Bromances can serve as an important support system for the individuals involved, providing emotional support during difficult times and celebrating each other’s successes.

The concept of bromance has gained cultural recognition in recent years, and it’s often depicted in movies, television shows, and literature. It challenges traditional gender norms and stereotypes that suggest men should avoid displaying vulnerability or deep emotional connections. Instead, bromances celebrate the idea that strong friendships between men are valuable and meaningful.

It’s important to note that while the term “bromance” is commonly used to describe close male friendships, not all friendships between men fall into this category. Friendship dynamics vary widely, and not all close friendships are considered bromances.

Does bromance have any connection with the concept of shadow in psychological terms?

The concept of “bromance” in the context of close male friendships doesn’t have a direct connection to the psychological concept of the “shadow.” These two ideas come from different fields and address different aspects of human relationships and psychology.

Bromance, as previously discussed, pertains to the close, affectionate, and non-sexual friendship between men. It focuses on the positive and supportive aspects of such friendships, including emotional intimacy, trust, and camaraderie.

On the other hand, the concept of the “shadow” comes from the field of psychology, particularly the ideas of Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung. Jung’s concept of the shadow refers to the unconscious part of a person’s personality that contains repressed and hidden traits, desires, or qualities. These traits are often seen as negative, socially unacceptable, or contradictory to the person’s conscious self-image. The process of integrating the shadow involves recognizing and accepting these hidden aspects of oneself.

The shadow is a complex psychological concept that explores the darker and more hidden elements of an individual’s psyche. It’s part of Jung’s broader theory of personality and personal development and is not directly related to the dynamics of friendships or relationships. In fact it relies on the concepts of archetypal energy – the concept of King Warriro Magiaicn and Lover peopularised by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette in their book King Warrior Magician Lover.

In summary, while both “bromance” and the “shadow” are interesting aspects of human psychology and relationships, they address different aspects of human experience and are not directly connected in terms of their definitions or implications.

Could bromance could be a manifestation of shadow energy of homosexuality?

The idea that a “bromance” could be a manifestation of repressed homosexuality or a manifestation of the Jungian concept of the “shadow” is a complex and speculative interpretation that would depend on the specific individuals and their unique psychological dynamics.

Jung’s concept of the “shadow” primarily pertains to the unconscious and repressed aspects of an individual’s personality, which can include desires, traits, and qualities that are hidden from conscious awareness. While it’s true that some individuals may repress or deny their true sexual orientation due to societal or personal factors, not all close, affectionate male friendships, or bromances, necessarily indicate repressed homosexuality. These friendships can simply be close, platonic bonds between friends.

Sexuality and friendship are separate aspects of human experience, and not every close male friendship involves hidden or repressed sexual desires. It’s essential to avoid making broad generalizations or assumptions about individuals based on the nature of their friendships. People can have close, supportive, and affectionate friendships for a variety of reasons that don’t necessarily involve repressed sexual feelings.

If someone is struggling with their sexual orientation or has concerns related to repressed desires or psychological issues, it’s important to seek guidance and support from mental health professionals who can provide appropriate and individualized care. The interpretation of these complex matters should be handled with care and respect for the unique experiences and emotions of individuals.

 

 

shadow work and archetypes

The Relationship Between Shadow Work and Archetypes

What is the relationship between archetypes and shadow work?

The relationship between archetypes and shadow work is a fundamental concept in Jungian psychology, which was developed by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung.

Archetypes and shadow work are interrelated in the sense that they both pertain to the exploration of the unconscious mind and play a significant role in the process of self-discovery and personal growth. Let’s break down this relationship:

Archetypes:

Definition: Archetypes are universal, symbolic patterns or themes that are part of the collective unconscious, a layer of the unconscious mind shared by all humans. These archetypal patterns represent fundamental human experiences, emotions, and concepts. Some well-known archetypes include the Hero, the Mother, the Shadow, the Wise Old Man, and the Anima/Animus (representations of the opposite gender within each individual). Also the King, the Warrior, the Magician and the Lover.

Role: Archetypes serve as templates for understanding and interpreting the world around us and the various roles and personas we adopt throughout our lives. They shape our thoughts, behaviors, and feelings in ways that are often beyond our conscious awareness.

Positive and Negative Aspects: Archetypes can have both positive and negative aspects. For example, the Hero archetype can represent courage and nobility, but it can also lead to arrogance or a refusal to admit vulnerability.

Video – About Archetypes

Shadow Work:

Definition: Shadow work is a psychological and spiritual practice that involves exploring and integrating the unconscious aspects of one’s personality, often referred to as the “shadow.” The shadow consists of the hidden or repressed thoughts, emotions, desires, and traits that we disown or reject because they are considered unacceptable or contrary to our self-image.

Process: Shadow work entails bringing these hidden aspects into conscious awareness, acknowledging them without judgment, and integrating them into one’s self-concept. This process leads to greater self-awareness, emotional balance, and personal growth.

Importance: Jung believed that ignoring or repressing the shadow could lead to psychological issues, projection of these disowned traits onto others, and a lack of authenticity in one’s life.

The Relationship Between Archetypes and Shadow Work:

  • Shadow as Part of Archetypes: Within Jungian psychology, some archetypes, like the Shadow archetype, directly relate to shadow work. The Shadow archetype represents the darker, hidden aspects of our personality that we often deny or project onto others. These aspects can include our fears, insecurities, unresolved traumas, and undesirable traits.
  • Integration of the Shadow: The process of shadow work involves acknowledging and integrating the shadow aspects that are often tied to specific archetypes. For instance, an individual may have a strong Shadow archetype related to their fear of confrontation or their repressed anger (the warrior archetype). Shadow work would involve exploring and accepting these aspects to achieve greater self-integration and psychological wholeness.
  • Archetypal Exploration: During shadow work, individuals may encounter various archetypal symbols, images, or themes in their dreams, fantasies, or introspective experiences. These archetypal elements can provide valuable insights into the nature of their archetypes – king, warrior , magician and lover – and their archetypes’ shadow and the underlying issues they need to address.
  • In summary, archetypes and shadow work are interconnected within the framework of Jungian psychology. Archetypes provide a foundation for understanding the universal themes and patterns that shape our unconscious, while shadow work involves the conscious exploration and integration of the shadow aspects often associated with specific archetypal roles. By embracing and integrating the shadow, individuals can achieve greater self-awareness, authenticity, and personal growth.

How to find out more about shadow work

Exploring shadow work can be a deeply rewarding journey of self-discovery and personal growth. Here are some steps you can take to learn more about shadow work and how to engage in it:

Read Books: There are many books on shadow work written by psychologists, therapists, and spiritual practitioners. Some notable authors in this field include Carl Jung, Debbie Ford, Robert A. Johnson, and Connie Zweig. Look for titles like “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” by Debbie Ford or “Owning Your Own Shadow” by Robert A. Johnson. And this book is a modern take on the archetypes of King Warrior Magician and Lover. 

Online Resources: The internet is a valuable resource for learning about shadow work. You can find articles, videos, and online courses that delve into the concept and techniques of shadow work. Websites like Psychology Today and Verywell Mind often feature articles on related topics.

Meditation and Mindfulness: Practices like meditation and mindfulness can help you become more self-aware and attuned to your inner thoughts and feelings. These practices are often used as part of shadow work to facilitate self-exploration.

Journaling: Keeping a journal can be a powerful tool for shadow work. Write about your thoughts, emotions, dreams, and any recurring patterns or themes you notice in your life. This can help you identify your shadow aspects.

Therapy or Counseling: Consider working with a therapist or counselor who specializes in shadow work or Jungian psychology. They can provide guidance, support, and structured techniques to help you explore your shadow in a safe and therapeutic environment.

Workshops and Retreats: Look for workshops, seminars, or retreats focused on shadow work in your area or online. These events often provide a structured and immersive experience for delving into your shadow.

Join Support Groups: Seek out online or in-person support groups or communities where people discuss and share their experiences with shadow work. Connecting with others can provide valuable insights and support on your journey.

Self-Help Exercises: Explore self-help exercises and practices designed to uncover your shadow aspects. These may include guided meditations, visualization exercises, or journal prompts specifically aimed at shadow work.

What happens in a shadow work session?

Practice Compassion and Non-Judgment: One of the key principles of shadow work is approaching your shadow aspects with compassion and non-judgment. Remember that the goal is not to criticize yourself but to understand and integrate these parts of your psyche.

Be Patient and Consistent: Shadow work is a process that takes time and effort. It’s not about rushing to uncover everything at once but about gradually peeling back the layers of your unconscious. Be patient with yourself as you explore your shadow.

Remember that shadow work can be emotionally intense, and it may bring up uncomfortable or challenging emotions. It’s essential to approach it with self-care and, if needed, seek professional guidance to ensure a safe and supportive experience.

better sex for women, sexual healing, shadow work

Shadow Work and Sexual Pleasure

Shadow work

This form of therapy can potentially have a positive impact on a person’s overall well-being and, by extension, their sexual satisfaction in a relationship. However, it’s important to understand what shadow work entails and how it might relate to sexual pleasure in a relationship.

Shadow work is a form of therapy with a psychological and spiritual aspect. It is aimed at exploring and integrating the hidden or suppressed aspects of one’s personality and emotions, often referred to as the “shadow self.”

These aspects can include unresolved traumas, negative beliefs, repressed desires, and unacknowledged emotions.

Video – what is shadow work?

Engaging in shadow work can help individuals become more self-aware and emotionally balanced, which can have several potential benefits for a relationship, including in the sexual aspect:

Improved Communication:

Shadow work encourages self-reflection and open communication. When both partners engage in this work individually, they may become more adept at discussing their desires, boundaries, and fears related to sexual intimacy.

Increased Empathy:

As individuals explore their own shadow selves (see this for an explanation of the shadow self), they may develop a deeper understanding of their partner’s struggles and emotional triggers, fostering empathy and compassion in the relationship.

Healing Past Trauma:

Shadow work often involves addressing past traumas or unresolved issues. Healing these wounds can lead to greater emotional and sexual intimacy, as past experiences may have been negatively impacting one’s ability to fully engage in the relationship.

Enhanced Self-Confidence:

Self-awareness gained through shadow work can boost self-confidence, which may extend to one’s sexual self-esteem and comfort in the bedroom.

Embracing Desires and Fantasies:

Shadow work can help individuals confront and accept their desires and fantasies, which can be important for a fulfilling sex life when those desires align with their partner’s boundaries and interests.

However, it’s crucial to note that shadow work is a personal journey, and its effects on a relationship can vary. It’s not a guaranteed solution to sexual problems within a relationship, nor is it a substitute for addressing physical or medical issues that may be affecting sexual pleasure.

Video – the benefits of shadow work

Incorporating shadow work into a relationship should be done with care and respect for each partner’s boundaries.

It may be helpful to engage in couples therapy or counseling alongside individual shadow work to ensure that the process is supportive and beneficial for both partners.

Ultimately, the extent to which shadow work can help partners achieve sexual pleasure depends on the individuals involved, their willingness to engage in the process, and the specific issues or challenges they are facing within their relationship.

How to introduce the idea of shadow work into  your relationship if your partner is reluctant to engage

Introducing the idea of shadow work into your relationship when your partner is not interested in therapy requires a thoughtful and gentle approach. Keep in mind that not everyone may be familiar with or open to psychological or spiritual practices like shadow work, so it’s essential to approach the conversation with empathy and respect for your partner’s boundaries. Here are some steps to consider:

Educate Yourself:

Before discussing shadow work with your partner, make sure you have a clear understanding of what it entails. Read books, articles, or watch videos on the topic so that you can explain it in a way that’s accessible and relatable. This is a helpful book which explains the archetypes and the concepts behind shadow work.

Choose the Right Time and Place:

Find a calm and private setting where you can have an open and honest conversation without distractions or interruptions. Make sure your partner is in a relaxed state of mind.

Express Your Own Interest:

Start the conversation by sharing your own interest in personal growth and self-improvement. Explain how you’ve been learning about shadow work and how you believe it could benefit both of you and your relationship.

Avoid Pressure:

Make it clear that you’re not pressuring your partner to engage in shadow work or therapy if they’re not ready or interested. Respect their autonomy and choices regarding their personal growth journey.

Share Your Intentions:

Explain your motivations for wanting to explore shadow work as it relates to your relationship. Mention how it can lead to better communication, understanding, and emotional intimacy, which can positively impact your partnership.

Offer Resources:

If your partner shows some interest, provide them with resources to explore at their own pace. Recommend books, online articles, or workshops that introduce the concept of shadow work and its benefits.

Be Patient and Supportive:

If your partner decides to give shadow work a try, be patient and supportive throughout the process. Offer to explore it together or respect their decision to do it individually.

Seek Alternative Approaches:

If your partner remains uninterested in shadow work, consider alternative approaches to improving your relationship. Focus on areas where you both agree and can make positive changes, such as improving communication or spending quality time together.

Consider Couples Counseling:

If your relationship is facing significant challenges, couples counseling can be a helpful option, even if your partner is not initially open to therapy. A skilled therapist can create a safe space for addressing issues and may introduce concepts like shadow work in a supportive manner.

Respect Boundaries:

Remember that personal growth is a unique journey for each individual. Respect your partner’s boundaries and choices regarding their own self-improvement journey, even if it doesn’t align with your own path.

Ultimately, the key is to approach the topic with empathy, patience, and a focus on mutual growth and improvement. It’s essential to prioritize the well-being and comfort of both you and your partner in any discussions related to personal development within the relationship.

Shadow work is a known and accepted route to enhancing sexual pleasure

Shadow work, as a psychological and self-development practice, is not primarily aimed at enhancing sexual pleasure. Instead, it focuses on exploring and integrating the hidden or suppressed aspects of one’s personality and emotions, often referred to as the “shadow self.” Its primary goal is personal growth, self-awareness, and emotional healing.

While shadow work can lead to personal growth, improved self-awareness, and better emotional intimacy, these benefits can indirectly contribute to a more fulfilling sexual life in a relationship. For example:

Improved Communication: Shadow work encourages open and honest communication, which can lead to better discussions about desires, boundaries, and fantasies in the context of sexual intimacy.

Emotional Healing: Addressing unresolved issues and traumas through shadow work can help individuals heal emotional wounds that may have been affecting their ability to fully engage in sexual experiences.

Increased Self-Confidence: Shadow work can boost self-esteem and self-confidence, which can positively impact one’s comfort and enjoyment in the bedroom.

Greater Empathy and Understanding: As individuals become more self-aware through shadow work, they may also become more empathetic and understanding of their partner’s needs and desires, leading to a more fulfilling sexual connection.

However, it’s essential to note that shadow work is not a guaranteed route to enhancing sexual pleasure, and its effectiveness in this regard can vary from person to person. Sexual pleasure is a complex and multifaceted aspect of human experience influenced by various factors, including physical, emotional, psychological, and relational elements.

If you and your partner are interested in enhancing sexual pleasure within your relationship, it’s a good idea to communicate openly, explore each other’s desires and boundaries, and, if needed, consider seeking the guidance of a qualified sex therapist or counselor. These professionals are trained to address sexual concerns and can provide specific techniques and strategies to enhance sexual satisfaction within a relationship.

female pleasure and orgasm, good relationships, good sex

Types Of Male Sexual Dysfunction

Types Of Male Sexual Dysfunction

One of the most significant things about early ejaculation is the fact that it can be divided into a number of categories.

For example it can be physical – it may be caused by a neurological predisposition or physical injury to the spinal-cord.

Or it may be psychologically based, caused by psychological stress, relationship conflicts, or a lack of the appropriate psychosexual skills necessary for satisfactory sex within a loving relationship.

Even worse, it’s also common for some men to experience erectile dysfunction along with difficulty controlling ejaculation.

Female partners of men in this situation often feel a degree of resentment or anger. This is because the man’s failure to deal with his sexual issues affects her ability to become sexually aroused during lovemaking, and this acts as a disruption to intimacy.

The early end of intercourse causes a break in intimacy and connection.

Indeed, the fact that sex usually ends when the man has come (because he doesn’t have enough persistence or stamina to last as long as he would like in bed), is experienced as an emotional abandonment by the woman.

Video – sexual disruption

Furthermore, it’s quite understandable that women resent  a man’s failure to address his uncontrolled ejaculation or to do anything to resolve the problem.

On the other side of the equation, of course, men are generally paralyzed by painful feelings of shame: shame around their sexual failure and their own perceived inability to please their partner.

Furthermore, most men don’t know what to do to solve the problem, or even where to get help. And it’s possible that seeking help may be seen by a man as confirmation of his own sexual inadequacy.

So regrettably there’s a vicious cycle here which the woman can perceive her man as paralyzed by his shame, and indeed he is: he feels so ashamed of sexually failing her that he does nothing about it, which is taken by the woman as another sign of his abandonment of her.

In reality it is an abandonment of himself, yet statistics demonstrate how common a man’s failure to deal with the problem actually is: the average time it takes a man to seek professional help to address his inability to control ejaculation and lack of stamina in bed is six years.

You can see why a woman might reach the conclusion that her man simply doesn’t care about her feelings, even though the opposite is more likely: most men feel huge shame at disappointing a lover and letting her down. And he probably does not know what to do about it anyway.

And perhaps because of the Internet, even those techniques which are generally known, such as distraction (thinking about taxes or roadkill), using penile desensitizing creams, or multiple condoms, simply don’t work or may even make a bad situation worse because they not only stifle pleasure but also reduce the man’s arousal. This can cause him to develop erectile dysfunction.

In general, therefore, current treatment methods will focus on several approaches that work together to give greater chance of ensuring a man can develop more stamina in bed.

So a man seeking help will ideally be taught how he needs to think about sex – during sex – so that he doesn’t unconsciously contribute to an uncontrolled increase in his arousal.

He’ll also be taught how to calm himself by using relaxation techniques, and he’ll be taught behaviors which can control the rate of increase in his arousal.

This combination produces a more efficient method of increasing stamina in bed and essentially learning to control ejaculation.

Techniques To Overcome Male Sexual Problems

Effective treatment of a man’s inability to control his ejaculation focuses on three fundamental areas:

  • The first of these is learning to become sensuously aroused at the same time as the man maintains physiological relaxation. This involves a technique called self entrancement arousal – different to the usual focus of arousal – which is being entranced by involvement with the partner.
  • The second area of treatment is about conscious thinking and behavioral activity, and this involves learning so-called “pacing” techniques which help establish better control.
  • And the third area that is necessary for satisfactory sexual functioning is learning how to produce a genuine co-operation with a man’s lover, so that he can learn how to please her more.

We look at each of these in a previous post on this blog, so that you can see how they play together into a complete system of increasing stamina and improving endurance in bed in order that you can please a woman much more satisfactorily (and at the same time enjoy sex without anxiety yourself).

These techniques were developed by sex therapists including Michael Metz PhD. There is still a place in modern methods of learning arousal control for older techniques such as the Stop-Start technique developed by Dr James Semans in 1956. This can still be an effective way of learning to control the level of arousal one feels in response to sexual stimulation.

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How to (get and stay) aroused!

Self Entrancement Arousal?

You probably haven’t heard this term before, so we need to look at it in detail, what it means, and how it forms part of a treatment method to help men to develop more stamina in bed.

Basically the purpose of self-entrancement arousal is to allow a man to become much more familiar, much more connected with,  if you like, his own body.

That’s in terms of both what it looks like and what it feels like. Another part of the same developmental process is to become more aware of how he responds to the touch of his partner.

Most men with premature ejaculation focus on partner involvement as a method of becoming aroused – in other words, the man’s actually focusing on erotic experiences that are outside his own body. He’s thinking, for example, of how sexy his partner is as he looks as her body; he’s not thinking about the pleasure he is feeling in his own body.

Of course this may seem very natural to men who don’t know there is another way: which is to focus on their own bodily arousal, pleasure and sexual experience.

And it is also an enjoyable method of becoming sexually aroused, which reinforces the tendency men have to take that approach…. But it doesn’t provide many ways of developing good control of your own arousal.

Making Stamina Greater

One of the characteristics of men who come prematurely, or have no control over their orgasm and ejaculation, is that they don’t know when they are going to ejaculate.

When it happens they may feel very surprised by it – almost as though it’s come from nowhere. So to learn better ejaculatory control, it’s necessary for a man to learn how he can focus on his own arousal.  This is an arousal style called sensual self-entrancement arousal.

As you can guess from the words, the focus here is all about one’s own physical or bodily sensations – and although the term self-entrancement arousal is an umbrella term for several techniques, each of those techniques has a focus on the man’s own physical bodily sensations.

So in other words a man can develop greater stamina in bed by becoming “self-entranced” rather than by interacting with his partner.

This is a proven route to greater control of arousal. By focusing much more on the physical sensations you experience during sex, and learning how to control and respond to your own arousal, you can feel less anxiety, and this further controls your tendency to ejaculate too quickly.

And it’s a far better approach to controlling sexual arousal than so-called distraction techniques )such as thinking about taxes or roadkill) which simply don’t work.

Self entrancement allows you to focus on the pleasurable feelings that you’re experiencing in your body during sex rather than focusing on something “external” such as a sexual fantasy or your partner’s breasts or body. And it prevents you from trying to distract yourself from the feelings and experience of sex.

In brief, the techniques that are incorporated into a self-entrancement arousal approach to arousal control are:

PC muscle control

This means learning to consciously relax the pubococcygeal muscle in the pelvic area. This is not hard to do but requires training. Once the technique has been learned, it provides a simple focus for ensuring that you are both physically relaxed and also using the muscle to increase stamina in bed by means of greater ejaculatory control.

A man is taught to relax his pubococcygeal muscles at the same time as he is becoming sexually aroused. When the man relaxes these muscle before penetration, there is a natural ejaculation inhibition.

The Stop Start Technique

The stop-start technique was developed by Semans in 1956. It is a “pacing technique”, and is described elsewhere in this website in detail.

However it basically requires a man to train himself using masturbation to develop an awareness of how aroused he is, so that he knows how near or far from the point of ejaculatory inevitability he is at any time.

After learning this by means of self-pleasuring, the technique is extended to involve sexual and sensual activity with the man’s partner.

The stop-start technique develops a man’s stamina and endurance in bed by employing a progressive series of exercises. These help the man develop a clear awareness of when he’s getting near the point of orgasm because he can recognize the physical sensations which precede ejaculation. And, when ejaculation is too close, he can stop sexual stimulation and so avoid coming. In other words, the stop start technique develops awareness and allows a man to last longer in bed and control his ejaculation response.

A Cognitive Arousal Continuum

Developed by Michael Metz, this  involves mental discipline: controlling the thoughts that occur during sexual stimulation so that you can regulate your own arousal.

Basically, when using the arousal continuum technique, a man will make the effort to think about and distinguish between the various thoughts, feelings, sensory impressions, actions and behaviors which characterize his own arousal pattern.

When he can do this, he can basically rank these things in order of how important they are in bringing him to a greater state of arousal – if you like, how stimulating they are.

And then, during lovemaking itself, a man can “orchestrate”, or manage, his level of sexual arousal by choosing to focus on those aspects of his thoughts which either increase arousal or reduce it. This will help him to last longer in bed and be a better lover with more stamina.

This is a system of disciplined mind control which prevents the rapid “running away” of arousal and the unexpected arrival at the point of no return.

Sensate Focus

This is effectively a form of co-operative bodily communication with a partner.

We mentioned earlier that it’s better for a man who can’t control his ejaculation and lacks stamina in bed to focus on his own sense of pleasure rather than to focus on the arousal that he receives because of the presence of his lover.

So, in brief, when the couple are relaxing and pleasuring each other, the woman will stimulate her man’s penis very gently and calmly as he concentrates on the physical sensations he’s experiencing.

This is another way of developing his sense of self-entrancement; as you recall, this is necessary for good ejaculation control and development of the ability to last longer in bed and pleasure a partner fully.

So here we have a combination of erection, stimulation, and what might be termed “calm arousal” all being practiced at the same time with the goal of achieving arousal simultaneously with physical relaxation. And this, in turn, ensures a man is not becoming aroused too soon, too fast, too much – in a way which is beyond his ability to control.

As you may know, fast orgasm or ejaculation is the most common male sexual problem. Indeed, for a young man fast ejaculation is quite normal.

But for a significant proportion of men, a lack of stamina in bed, i.e. premature ejaculation, continues into their adult life, leaving them dissatisfied with their sexual performance, and their partners sexually unsatisfied.

We often don’t realize how significant a problem an uncontrolled ejaculation is to men, who may respond to the problem by adopting some self-effacing behavior or discounting the significance of their experience in a self denigrating fashion.

A lack of stamina in bed strikes hard at the root of a man’s self-esteem, and can be very emotionally distressing.

There is a well-known technique formulated by Masters and Johnson, sex therapists in the 1950s, called the squeeze technique, which has been recommended by many sex therapists over time as a way of curing the problem, but it is not an effective long-term treatment.

The techniques which have been successful in helping men to control their ejaculation are those techniques which address the subject of arousal awareness and control. Usually it requires several techniques working together for a man to learn effective methods of increasing his endurance and stamina in bed.

 

good relationships, good sex

Long term relationships

Successful long term relationships

When you see each other every day, and must concern yourselves with many other important demands in your lives, you may no longer have the energy, wish, or need to make love with the same intensity as when you first met.

 Quite naturally, like any two people who begin to build a home together and improve on their careers, or decide to start a family, you may focus your attention on other matters of mutual and personal concern.

The passion which drew you together and ignited the flame of your love is unlikely to sustain itself with the same degree of desire throughout the duration of your long-term relationship.

The familiarity which makes your partnership so comfortable and supportive can be the very thing which erases the excitement of the earlier days, when just the sight of each other would be sufficient to arouse you.

Seeing your lover every day, and sharing the hard times as well as the good, may create a supportive and nurturing relationship, but does not necessarily arouse the libido to the same extent as before.

Often, these changing patterns of sexual behavior will settle into an easy and compatible rhythm which happily satisfies you both.

There will be times when your sexual interest rises, and periods when it subsides, and this will largely be affected by outside pressures, such as stress, the needs of your children, the demands of your work, and the general accord between you both in other areas of your lives.

Differing Sexual Needs (video)

Problems may occur in an established partnership, however, if you and your mate develop very different patterns of sexual need.

One of you may lose interest in sex altogether, or be content with occasional sexual episodes. What one of you might regard as an adequate level of lovemaking might be vastly different from the other’s expectations.

It is perfectly normal for the frequency of sexual activity to subside after some years in an established relationship as passion gives way to closeness and intimacy of a different nature. This can be a mutually satisfying situation if there is no great disparity in your sexual needs.

 Just being together, relaxed and aware of each other, while quietly involved in your own activities, can be a very nourishing experience in itself.

One of the most wonderful aspects of a long-term relationship is that it can deepen your friendship with each other.

Once you know that you can see each other as much as you like, the sexual pressure begins to subside and you can explore many different avenues of pleasure and leisure.

You can learn new pursuits, pastimes and games to enjoy and just keeping each other company will be rewarding and relaxing.

There is no rule that dictates how often a couple should make love.

You may feel deprived if you are not having sex every day, whereas your partner may think that three times a week is a happy routine.

The disparity could be even greater, with one of you believing that once a week is sufficient for your needs while the other is rarely interested in making love more than once a month.

One of you might even lose interest in sex altogether, especially when you have been together for a number of years, or following illness, childbirth, the loss of a parent, or promotion to a more stressful job.

The emerging differences in sexual needs can create a severe problem if you do not look at the issues, adapt to the changes, and reach a mutually satisfying arrangement that suits your varying levels of libido.

The one who is more deprived can feel aggrieved, and personally neglected. If you are in this position, you may begin to put pressure on your partner, berating the person you love, and you may feel demeaned by your unsatisfied sexual needs.

If you are the one who has lost interest in sex, you may resent your partner’s desires and even begin to feel that he or she is making unreasonable demands on your time and intimacy.

A situation like this, if it is allowed to develop unchecked, becomes a vicious cycle. One of you will become increasingly obsessed with the need for sex, the other increasingly resentful and withdrawn.

There are many reasons why you and your partner may have differing sexual needs.

 At various times, and for different reasons, a low libido can affect either one of you. If this continues, and is affecting the happiness of your relationship, you will need to explore the reasons and find some way to improve the situation.

A couple may allow time to pass before realizing the extent of the problem or feeling sufficiently resolved to face up to its issues.

 This dilemma may be compounded by the difficulty of talking about sexual matters – a subject in which egos can so easily be bruised.

Tact, diplomacy and negotiation, however, are needed to approach and address the subject.

If you are facing this situation, you will need good communication skills so that you can explore your varying sexual needs and feelings. You may then discover the root cause of your differences and find new ways to resolve it.

After a time, the passion and heat of sex may no longer enthrall you. You may seek to change the quality of your lovemaking into something that is more sensual and increasingly spiritually and emotionally uplifting.

If you are able to let go of the excitement of sex, and make love in a more meditative way, your intimacy and bonding will continue to flower.

Be Creative

One of the main causes for your sexual indifference may be that your love-life has become too routine. Flopping into bed after a busy day may not provide the ideal scene for an ardent encounter.

Try to create new and exciting opportunities for lovemaking, away from the more predictable situations. Make love in the living room instead of the bedroom, or stay at a hotel for the weekend.

Make love in parts of the house other than the bedroom so that the change of setting inspires new and delightful ways of lovemaking.

If you have one, light the fire in your living room hearth and abandon yourselves before its flames. By breaking old patterns of sexual behavior, you can keep your relationship very alive.

erection problems

Erectile dysfunction – how to start looking for a cure

If you have an erection problem …

….you will most likely feel as though you are a failure in bed, and perhaps as a man as well.

But you can cure this problem, develop a hard erection and become a potent lover – easily! I know because I have personal experience of this problem. I know what you may be going through.

I went through a period in my life when I suffered from erection problems all the time, and it was one of the most distressing experiences of my sexual life. And my partner wasn’t so happy either. 

But I’m happy to say that I cured my erectile difficulties and developed a reliable erection just like the rock hard ones I had in my twenties. Like all men, I wanted to be able to sport a hard erection, for my penis to be proudly upstanding for my lover, confident in the knowledge that I was going to be able to penetrate her easily and enjoy long lasting lovemaking. 

Video – erectile dysfunction explained

She and I both wanted to be able to enjoy sex at the pace that we desired – whether that meant fast and furious, or slow and relaxed, or anywhere in-between – without having to worry about getting through sex before my penis went flaccid once again. It was extremely stressful, and the constant worry that my erection would disappear probably made me completely impotent on many occasions. ED is very personal – and it’s a problem when it intrudes on the intimacy of your sexual relationship. You’re with a woman who wants to have sex with you. And you want her; you want to be able to penetrate her, to feel the pleasure of the moment when you enter her body in the act of love.

You want to know your erection will stay hard inside her for as long as it takes for both of you to get maximum pleasure. That, after all, is what being a man is all about. 

Impotence is a very destructive problem

Destructive of confidence, relationships, happiness and sexual pleasure. It is worse than other sexual problems because most men assume that they must have an erection to have sex – and in many ways this true.

For even though you can give a woman an orgasm with your mouth or fingers, half of the excitement of sex comes from feeling the swelling of your penis, the development of your erection, as you get more and more turned on during foreplay. After all, without an erection, what is sex about?

Just what do you do when she’s had her orgasm if you don’t have an erection? Stop altogether? Is that the end of the sexual treatment you had planned for each other?

Of course there are many causes of erection problems and erectile dysfunction, just as there are many causes other sexual problems. But there are cures which can stop almost all erectile difficulties – whether the cause is sexual anxiety, lack of sexual confidence, emotional problems, depression, or even physical problems.

Even if the problem is rooted in your relationship, you can still deal with your sexual issues, though you may need to tackle some relationship issues at the same time as you seek treatment for impotence.

Erectile dysfunction is extremely common. You may not know this, because most men don’t talk about their sexual problems, but it is estimated that about one man in twelve in America cannot get an erection at any time. This astounding proportion of otherwise normal men hides a huge amount of heartbreak and pain.

Unlike some sexual problems the lack of an erection necessary for sexual intercourse goes right to the heart of the sexual relationship between two people, and right to the heart of a man’s sense of self.

Loss of erection, or the lack of an erection hard enough for penetration, cannot be ignored without a tacit understanding between a couple that sex is off the agenda – in which case the relationship is most likely in big trouble anyway.

Even if a couple agree to let the male give his partner oral sex or masturbate her to orgasm, what does he do when his penis isn’t hard enough to penetrate her? Stops, turns over and goes to sleep, presumably?

So why do men suffer from erectile dysfunction, or in slightly less pejorative terms, erectile failure? There are many reasons, of course, but anxiety is high on the list. My own erection difficulties started when I was having sex with my girlfriend on holiday and someone paused by the window, obviously listening to (and maybe trying to see) us making love.

I obviously don’t have a streak of exhibitionism, for that experience caused my penis to wilt and though I thought nothing of it at the time, the next time we went for it, I couldn’t get it up. From then on, the cycle of anxiety and impotence became more and more challenging: each time I tried to have sex I’d spend time worrying about whether or not I would get an erection – and then I’d fail to. A vicious cycle of expectation and lack of fulfillment!

This may sound commonplace, but something similar happens to a lot of men, especially when they are sexually inexperienced. They may not be able to find the woman’s vaginal opening, or they may ejaculate too quickly, or their partner may laugh at them for some reason, or make some confidence-destroying remark: whatever, the effect is to reduce a guy’s confidence and make his erect penis goes flaccid. Then, the next time he comes to have sex, he worries about whether his penis will stand up. Usually it does, but if not, then he may start on a downward spiral of anxiety and impotence…..until he loses his erection completely and begins to avoid sex altogether! Read more about this here.

Other erection problems stem from situations where a man was really not interested in sex but felt obliged for some reason to go along with his partner’s demands. It’s not surprising in such situations that a man’s erection may not be especially hard, or may disappear.

Yet if he forgets that this is a natural response to stress or tiredness or aversion to his partner, he may come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with him  or his penis. Then the downward cycle of self-doubt and impotence may being to develop…..and before he knows where he is, there’s not an erection in sight!

For other men, there is an aging component to erection failure – they may have less testosterone in their bodies, they may be less excited by the things that once got them going. None of these situations are hard to cure, but you do need to know the right cure for each set of circumstances.

Cues for your erection problem 

But do remember that loss or lack of erection isn’t just a physical issue. There’s an emotional aspect to it all as well.

When you worry about not getting an erection, you make it less likely that you’ll get one. And if you feel angry, tense, resentful, or turned-off by your partner, that won’t help you get hard and enjoy sex either.

You may need to get your partner involved in the cure for your erection problem. 

If you feel angry or hostile or you have some relationship issues, these will need to be dealt with as you progress through your treatment. Very few men are content not to have a fairly regular supply of sex, so if you get your erections back you may need to face a few relationship issues.

You may even get to a point of realizing that you and your partner are sexually incompatible, in which case you may be forced to decide whether to end the relationship or seek sex outside it.

Since anger is a barrier to intimacy, it’s not surprising that anger can be at the root of erectile problems. You can’t really connect sexually with someone whom you are angry at: and losing your erection is one way of avoiding such intimate contact. If you sense that issues like this are playing a part in your erectile dysfunction, they may need to be examined before your cure is complete and you are restored to full potency.

But if a relationship is worth preserving, it will survive, and my overall message to you is one of reassurance: curing erection problems is often easy and simple!