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why women have sex

Why Women Have Sex

At first it might seem like there are obvious answers to this simple question: why do women have sex?

Surely it’s the same reason that men have sex? To enjoy an orgasm. To connect with their partner. A way of expressing love?

It turns out to be a lot more complicated than that: there are, it seems, 237 reasons why women have sex, and most of them nothing to do with romance or pleasure.

Here’s the source article. This this extra piece of information comes from a book called Why Women Have Sex by Cindy Meston, who is a clinical psychologist and David Buss, an evolutionary psychologist.

They interviewed 1000+ women from different countries around the world and found there are 237 identifiable reasons why women engage in sexual intercourse.

Of course some of these reasons are commonplace: to boost their self-esteem, to keep their lovers, and of course because they are coerced into sex.

This kind of mirrors the complications men often believe that women bring to sex. For men, sex is a very simple matter about the relief of sexual desire, and the pleasure of orgasm, with possibly some love in there in the mix. And of course, feeling good. Who wouldn’t want an orgasm?

Apparently desire, love, and feeling good are not the only reasons why women want – or choose – to have sex. In any event, there is plenty of evidence that having sex will make women feel empowered and goo, especially if a man is able to produce the more powerful forms of sexual experience such as create a powerful release when a woman comes – these are the kind of sexual experiences which really do make women feel good, and men who know how to do it may be desirable sexual partners.

Here are some more examples of why women have sex and  in the list the wide range of motivations becomes very clear: promotion, bartering, drugs, money, to get back at a partner who’s cheated on them, to make a partner feel bad… And so it goes on.

Some of these are not very surprising, because sex is a natural currency of being a woman; it has high value – it can buy things and it can buy men. And it can be used, says Cindy, at every stage of a relationship, right from the start where a woman is trying to lure a man into the relationship, through the relationship when she wishes to keep him fulfilled or make sure he doesn’t stray, or indeed she can use it against him, to make him jealous or to get rid of him.

And is this really surprising?

Yes, in some ways it is surprising, because  women have darker motives. Some said that they wanted to give a man a sexually transmitted infection, which is certainly an interesting reason for having sex.

All of which makes this a far cry, indeed, from romantic fantasies, where sex becomes nothing but a kind of currency of love in human relationships.

The Evolutionary Pressure Made Me Do It!

The first and most obvious evolutionary pressure behind women wanting to have sex is to choose a mate who is likely to pass on good genes that will produce healthy children.

Clearly this would be the most important issue in our evolutionary history, which is why men with symmetrical faces seem to have an additional power in attracting women (over and above the simple sense of a woman wanting a good-looking man in her life). Symmetry, it seems, is a sign of good genetic material.

Similarly, a woman can be sexually attracted to man because he smells good – and this is the same issue, sexual selection. In fact when a woman smells a man as being good, that suggests he has a gene structure which will be complimentary to hers – and that will produce healthy children…..

But is this really so surprising, when we know that animals are compelled by sexual selection to mate with certain individuals?

It is fascinating to frame this discussion in archetypal terms – an archetype being a fundamental part of the human personality which dictates certain aspects of out behaviour. To understand

The provider

We know that women look for men with resources who can provide for them and their children.

And we know that women want a faithful and less dazzling mate, one who is not likely to attract other women, to help raise the kids, so they settle for a good provider, using sex to keep him in the relationship.

And you understand that most of this is anything but calculating or deliberate? It’s about the genetic issues which work below conscious awareness and compel people to behave in certain ways.

What About Love?

However, you can forget the idea of women enjoying sex for love. Or so it seems, anyway. The most common reason given for women wanting to have sex was for the pleasure of orgasm. And of course that does suggest whether or not women would prefer to have the pleasure of sexual climax in a loving relationship. (Of course they would.)

Fortunately for you and your romantic ideals, the second most important reason why women said they have sex is love. And no surprise there, considering how many romantic love songs we have to listen to every year! It’s deep in our culture – love and sex go together.

Women use sex to express love and to get it and try and keep it. Simple!

Interestingly enough, in almost every society that has been examined, far more women than men say they’re in love. Fascinating, but not surprising.

Far away  from love, women also use sex as a way of leaving a man.

Then there’s all the short-term sexual strategies for immediate benefit, like pursuing a man who’s got high social or economic value. Sex is a good way of poaching a high value male from other women.

And then there are all the things women do to show off their sexuality, which could be seen as a means of attracting a mate.

High heels to show off pelvises, lip gloss to emulate the lips around the vagina, and gossip about rivals that discredits them – maybe a strategy to discourage men from getting involved with other women.

Among younger women, there’s exploration and excitement – seeking an answer to the question “Am I going to like sex?” or even “What is sex like?”

Other reasons for women to have sex? Well, there’s sex to feel better, take away a migraine, for example – or to relieve period pains; there are also many economic reasons for sexual transactions, ranging from sex as payment or encouragement (e.g. sex so that the man would mow the lawn or sex so he would make the dinner).

But don’t despair, relationships are a part of our essential aspect of being human, and are likely to based on romantic love some time to come, no matter if there’s a deeper, more manipulative motivation, deep down!

emotional healing, good relationships

Sex, love and the whole darn’ thing

As far as a lot of people concerned there’s still a “double standard” around relationships and dating. And so for many people, men are expected to make the first move, and women are expected to be the recipients of their advances.

Sure, that doesn’t always apply, and there are more enlightened people out there who know that it’s perfectly acceptable for women to make the first move, but in general the old patterns still have a lot of influence over how people meet their mates.

Certainly for men who have problems in approaching women this can be difficult. There’s a male confidence issue here: it’s important for a man to feel he’s strong and masculine (another way of saying this is that he embodies the warrior archetype – if you don’t know about archetypes, discover them here), and has the confidence to approach women and speak to them,  but at the same time many men don’t know how to do this and they certainly fear rejection!

Fortunately there’s plenty of information on the Internet which can be useful and helpful for men in this situation – and indeed, for women in this situation, if they want to take a more proactive role in relationship repair and renewal.

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The idea is that men will be able to – well, if not exactly “second-guess” a woman – at least feel more confident in responding to a woman.

This may sound like a throwback to the manipulative techniques of the pickup artists, but it really isn’t.

This is much more about producing an information manual that will help men understand women each other, and therefore communicate without the difficulties that so often and so easily rise in male-female communication due to misunderstandings.

You see, understanding someone of the other gender isn’t easy, because you can’t get inside their head and work out what’s behind what they are saying and thinking and feeling. In short, what’s going on for them?

A good way of improving communication is to get some information about the emotional dynamics which are important for men and women.

After A Break Up

Another interesting situation arises when a relationship broken up: from the number of websites on the Internet designed to help people get back together with an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, you might be forgiven for thinking that almost everyone who breaks up regrets it and immediately wants to get back with their ex-partner.

Obviously that’s not always true, yet even so there are many products available about whether you can persuade your ex to re-enter into a relationship. Whether this is a good thing is open to debate, but once again we run right up against the fact that so many people don’t have the information and knowledge they need to conduct a relationship successfully. (And of course, some people, who are deeply wounded in their lover, cannot get into a relationship because of deep-seated emotional wounding held in shadow.)

If you can’t get this information from your friends, from your father or mother, or an older brother or sister, then one good place to get it from is the Internet.

Clearly the question of how to get back with an ex-partner is an interesting dilemma for many people because even starting that process can be fraught with difficulties and – to be honest – fear.

To have someone on your side who knows a little bit about dating and mating can be very helpful, and to that end I’ve written found a site which can give you some pointers if you’re in this unhappy situation.

So what ARE you going to do if you have an ex-partner constantly in your thoughts?

The first thing is obviously to decide whether or not getting back with them is the right thing to do.

Obviously you can’t move on while your head is still full of thoughts of an ex-partner – so here’s a tip: feeling sad, lonely disappointed, or even angry is completely normal after a breakup. Those feelings don’t necessarily mean that it be the right thing to do if you choose to get back together with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.

You have to move on, into a place you can realistically judge whether or not they are indeed the right person for you and you’ve made the worst mistake of your life in breaking up, or you’re simply feeling the loss of something that’s been valuable to you in one way or another.

You could start by talking to a friend whom you trust, or perhaps even a relationship counsellor who can bring a more objective view to what’s happening. (This might imply exploring things with the help of shadow work.)

A good way to work out whether or not you really are attached your ex-partner or merely to the memory of the fun times you had together is to remove everything that reminds you of your ex boyfriend or girlfriend from your environment, and do some more psychological “work” (therapy). You could start this yourself by listing all the reasons that you’re better off without them, and by listing all the bad energies that he or she brought the relationship.

A good way to end a relationship completely is to go “no contact” – whether or not you want to take that dramatic step is up to you, but  of course if you are going to try and get back together with them that approach isn’t going to get you very far!

You have to remember that in your everyday life the relationship ghost is going to haunt you in every way you can imagine for quite some time – via your mobile phone, your Internet connection, and in what your friends and family say – usually offering their unwanted opinions on all these kind of things! So perhaps it’s going to be best for you to seek out some help and support from a professional.

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Sexual Problems Affect Sexual Pleasure

A question from the internet forums

“My boyfriend reaches orgasm within two minutes after he enters me and I don’t know what to do about it. And I don’t know how to approach him about it. Is it normal for a man to come so quickly? I don’t have a lot of sexual experience, as you may have guessed! We have been together for six weeks.

The problem is that he seems really wound up about it and indeed he often seems reluctant to have sex. I think he has taken it to heart and sees himself as a failure.

I’m even beginning to worry that his tendency to come quickly is my fault, as he was with his last girl for several years and I assume that she would not have put up with his premature ejaculation all that time?”

Answer 1: Please don’t be embarrassed about this, as you are in a relationship with him you should be able to talk about anything. First of all he is ejaculating too quickly: two minutes is just not long enough to enjoy sex properly, and he needs to be stop this and last longer so you both get full enjoyment of sex.

I assume he enjoys sex with you and wants to make you happy, so it’s up to him to find a way of learning how to sexually please your partner by lasting longer in bed.

First of all, he needs to know that you want more of the pleasure of intercourse.

That should give him the motivation to work on stopping his early ejaculation. Personally, I have tried condoms which claim to make the man last longer, but they don’t really work.

 Instead, you could ask him to slow down his thrusting when he is about to climax, or even to lie still for a while until he is less excited. Then he can carry on. He should repeat this every time he gets near the point of ejaculation.

Answer 2:  As a man I’d say, don’t be embarrassed about it – my mates and I have often joked about a woman being so attractive that we couldn’t last more than two minutes.

And it’s not likely to be your fault – except in so far as he finds you really exciting! – so don’t worry that it is your fault. Find a way of working the conversation round to the subject. For example, tell him how much you like making love with him, and how much you’d like it to last longer. If you want to squirt, reach the maximum amount of pleasure possible, then this is essential.

That will give you both an opportunity to start talking about it. Also, remember that you’ve only been a couple for a very short space of time, and things are new and exciting – like all relationships, the romance and passion will cool down a little as time goes by and you may even find he lasts much longer naturally.

Answer 3: I think he must have had this problem in his previous relationship. Men are either good lovers or they’re not – and often if they aren’t they don’t try and increase their staying power. But if he wants to, then it will need a concerted effort on his part to overcome the problem. First of all, he has to commit to solving it.

You need to begin by extending foreplay. He’s going to get turned on, but that’s OK as long as he knows how turned on he is. 

He can get aroused, but what he must do is keep a check on how excited he is in his body – and keep his arousal high without actually ejaculating. If he wants tostop coming so quickly, he’s going to have to put some effort in.

Maybe you could enjoy a little more kissing and caressing. Don’t go on to the point where he thinks he is going to ejaculate.

When he’s nearing the point where he begins to feel his ejaculation coming on, take your hand off his penis and stroke his chest. Repeat this as often as necessary until he can take much more of you stimulating him without any danger of coming.

When he has learned how to cope with his penis being stimulated by your hand for much longer, you could move on to fellatio. This will be very exciting for him, and again you might need to practice for a few session until he’s learned to take more of it than before.

You can give him pleasure with your mouth, then as he gets aroused, stop moving and let him cool down, so to speak, then go back to it, and so on.

The idea is to extend how long he can last before he comes. All this time, he needs to be monitoring how aroused he is – a lot of guys ejaculate because they simply lose touch with their bodies during sex, so they never know they are going to ejaculate until it’s upon them, so to speak!

And you need a sexual position where he can’t thrust much, as that speeds up his progress towards orgasm. So woman on top is ideal for this. Keep it slow and steady – don’t get over-excited yourself, or he’ll certainly come very quickly!

Ask him to tell you when he gets near his orgasm and stop moving. You might even lift yourself off him completely until his arousal has gone down.

This might take some time, but if you start making love again too soon, or he was too near orgasm, he’ll just ejaculate fairly quickly. You should just move around a little until he gets near – then stop.

As you repeat this over time, he’ll be able to control his arousal much better until finally he can thrust away for ages without getting too excited and ejaculating!

This is what’s called the stop – start method, and although it takes time, it does work in the end.

Answer 4: Well, it’s typical of a guy to get defensive when you begin to question his sexual performance. He may feel let down by ejaculating so fast and let down by thinking he didn’t please you.

That’s hard for a guy to take. But you have to talk to him about this – you can’t hide the fact there is a problem any longer.

If you don’t do anything soon, his bad bedroom habits ejaculation will just get between you, erode the relationship, and probably he’ll never stop it.

First of all he needs to admit there is a problem – and if he doesn’t know that yet, then you will have to tell him that being so fast in bed is not acceptable to you.

The you will have to discuss between you what you are going to do to stop him ejaculating so quickly. The previous answer gave a pretty good description of one way of how to stop it happening.

I understand because this happened to me, but my partner let me deal with it by resting every time I was near coming (I mean we stopped moving when I was near ejaculation) and I just rested in her vagina without moving. It took two months but after I’d done this enough I learned how to stop premature ejaculation and now I can go on for two hours.

circumcision and female pleasure

Circumcision and Female Sexual Pleasure

An interesting question that’s come up in recent times about sex between men and women is whether or not male circumcision affects women’s sexual pleasure.

Interestingly enough, many American women will never have seen or had sex with an uncircumcised penis. Even so, they tend to rate the appearance of circumcised penises as preferable to the appearance of uncircumcised penises. This is hardly surprising, because of course familiarity breeds a kind of expectation with the established status quo.

Women who have enjoyed lovemaking with both circumcised and uncircumcised penises have a different opinion, as we shall now see.

Let’s start with a particular aspect of female sexual pleasure – how comfortable sex is for a woman.

One medical survey found that women who had sex with uncircumcised men experience better lubrication. They also experience greater persistence of lubrication. On a comparative scale of 0 to 10, they rated men as sexual partners. And those who had not been circumcised were rated as 8, and circumcised men were rated at 2. This is a massive difference.

And there’s more. With an uncircumcised partner, women were much more likely to experience vaginal orgasm. To make things even worse, it seems circumcised men are also more likely to suffer from premature ejaculation.

So again, we see that both male and female sexual pleasure, and in particular a man’s ability to please a woman during lovemaking, is reduced by circumcision.

On the face of it, this is compelling evidence that circumcision is a disadvantage not only to men but also to women. This is an extraordinary finding, bearing in mind that circumcision has been routine and commonplace for so many years.

Of course, the cut is dying out in America and other westernized countries. Even so, it’s fascinating that the medical establishment has managed to medicalize the act of circumcision for so long.

women get greater sexual pleasure from an uncircumcised penis
Which is more preferable to women – and which gives greater satisfaction?

They have portrayed circumcision as “a good thing”, when the human body is perfectly designed for perfect sex as it is.

So why would circumcision make such difference to pleasure that men and women feel during lovemaking?

Well…. it’s actually not difficult to understand this. The foreskin is a movable double-layered sleeve. During intercourse it can move up and down over the head of the penis, and up and down the penile shaft. This lets it act like a return valve to prevent female lubrication leaving the vagina during intercourse. And as we all know, lubricated sex is pleasurable sex!

Researchers have shown that in cut, or circumcised, men the skin of the penile shaft moves directly against the vaginal wall. This increases friction and produces an increased need for artificial lubrication.

Male Sexual Pleasure

What of male sexual pleasure? It’s certainly possible that circumcised men have less sensitivity in the penile glans, due to the keratinization of the glans.

Some men undergo foreskin restoration. When restored, they all speak of a better level of satisfaction and pleasure, as well as more comfort with their newly-moist glans.

They say this feels better.

So it would seem that sex is not improved by years of exposure of the circumcised penis head to clothing and to the drying nature of the atmosphere. Unsurprisingly.

Finally, sexually experienced women with experience of both circumcised men and uncircumcised men have an opinion that matters. They say that when their partner is circumcised, they are less likely to feel appreciated, and more likely to feel frustrated and discontented with sex. 

Circumcision is bad for men too!

One of the biggest misconceptions about circumcision is that it simply removes the skin covering the head of the penis – this is completely false.

In fact male circumcision removes between a third and half of all the penile skin. It also removes most of the fine nervous cell receptors in the penile skin covering the glans.

And this seems even more astounding when we learn that historically, circumcision of the male penis was introduced as a method of preventing masturbation!

This means that a measure originally designed to reduce male sexual pleasure now has the perverse effect of reducing both male and female sexual pleasure!

In this day and age there is no justifiable reason for circumcision. Even the classic explanation for this mutilation of the male body – that it’s hygienic and can prevent penile cancer – is nonsense. Penile cancer is extremely rare anyway.

The tip of the foreskin and frenulum, which are routinely removed during circumcision, contain a high concentration of nerve endings known as fine touch receptors. These provide a lot of the pleasure men receive during sex.

And indeed we also know that when a penis has been circumcised, the surface of the glans thickens and keratinizes. This reduces pleasure and makes self-pleasuring difficult without lube.

Previous researchers only looked at the sensitivity of the penile glans before and after circumcision. So it’s possible they missed the role of the foreskin in providing pleasure. This anomaly seems to have misled people about the effects of circumcision because only the sensitivity of the glans was being compared before and after circumcision.

But now we know there are many fine touch receptors in the foreskin. They are responsible for much of a man’s sexual pleasure. They are also responsible for triggering ejaculation.

Sidebar: Previous work which has claimed that women prefer to have sexual intercourse with circumcised man has been discredited. This is because very few of the women in the study had actually had experience of sexual intercourse with both circumcised and uncircumcised men! As you can imagine, this completely invalidates the research.

One study revealed that 6 out of every 7 women preferred intact, uncircumcised men as their sexual partners. Reference.

And it turns out that women are more likely to have vaginal orgasms with men who are uncircumcised. This is hardly surprising. Stimulation of the G spot from the movement of the foreskin on the penile head can provide a woman with enough stimulation to bring her to orgasm during intercourse.

Indeed, it turns out that women who prefer uncircumcised male partners for sexual intercourse are actually more likely to have their first orgasm with an uncircumcised man. Clearly this is suggestive of much greater sexual pleasure for women: pleasure is greater with an uncircumcised penis.

There is little or no doubt that women prefer vaginal intercourse with an anatomically complete penis.  This is both a matter of greater comfort and natural stimulation of the internal G spot. And for a man, too, intercourse is undoubtedly more pleasurable when he has a foreskin.

female pleasure and orgasm

Women’s Pleasure and Penis Size

For those of us who’ve had plenty of sexual experience, a couple of studies about sexual pleasure published in 2012 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine might not be a complete surprise.

Penis Size – Does it Please Women?

The first of them is that apparently size –  yes, I’m talking about penis size! – does matter, at least to some women.

We must be careful about any article published online. There’s always pressure on researchers to find sensational subjects to write about and articles to publish, but let’s take this at face value. (The risk is of dubious science, in other words!)

The researcher in question, Stuart Brody, defined the average length of an erect penis as 5.8 inches, which completely agrees with my own research.

He then asked women if they experienced more sexual pleasure with men who had a longer or shorter penis than average.

He found that women had more vaginal orgasms during intercourse  when they were making love with men who had longer-than-average penises.

Now I’ll say straight away that there are a number of problems for me around this. One is the implication that men with a longer than average penis tend to please their women more in bed.

To start with, there have been previous studies which demonstrate that women find penis girth more important than penis length in terms of sexual pleasure. That certainly has a logic to it, because penile girth would stretch the opening of the vagina more. This might well produce more sensation than penile length.

On the other hand, a longer penis can stimulate the cervix. And that’s known to be an essential trigger for blended orgasms. This is a kind of orgasm which results in stimulation of not only the pelvic (clitoral) nerve but the pudendal (genital) nerve as well. Blended orgasms feel much more sexually satisfying for a woman.

On the other hand, women who experience vaginal orgasms tend to be sexually experienced. This implies that quality of orgasm may be a function of the time a woman spends developing her sexuality and sexual responsiveness.

So it’s only a possibility that penis size influences a woman’s ability to reach orgasm during intercourse.

In fact, there are many more possible explanations for female pleasure than penis size. For instance men with bigger penises might feel naturally more confident with women. They might have a different psychological and emotional approach to sex which is more likely to please a woman in bed or which may simply arouse women more. 

In other words, it may not be penis size alone that enables a man to pleasure a woman sexually in bed. It may be something associated with it such as greater self-confidence, or greater sexual experience on the part of the man.

As the researcher concluded, male anxiety about penis size may not reflect cultural stereotype. In fact it may be an accurate, if unconscious, appreciation that size does matter to women.

What If You Want to Give Pleasure To A Woman?

If you are a man with a smaller penis than average, you can always level the playing field by making yourself an expert at pleasuring women in bed.

You can research the best sexual techniques for the woman you’re with. You can learn new ways to please her in bed.

Don’t allow your confidence be eroded by the thought of what other men are packing in their pants. Instead, develop greater self-confidence and become an expert in sexual techniques.

Top of the list of skills that a man needs to be able to please his partner is knowing ways to make a woman come. 

That’s what you must be good at. If you are, and you’re also sensitive to her emotional needs, you need never worry about having a small penis. What a woman really wants from her man is to have a sexual connection in which she is cherished above all else. She wants to be deeply loved and to be pleasured in bed.

Vaginal and Clitoral Orgasms 

The same journal – The Journal Of Sexual Medicine – published information in April 2012 suggesting there was “sensational” new evidence about the female orgasm. This article suggested that vaginal and clitoral orgasms are completely different types of orgasm, and that involve different parts of the brain.

This contrasts with so much information put out on the Internet saying vaginal orgasms are some kind of variation of a normal clitoral orgasm.

A common idea is that stimulating the inside of the vagina with a finger is simply stimulating a part of the clitoris which surrounds the vagina.

However, we know the G spot has a different nerve supply to the clitoris. (That’s the pudendal versus the pelvic nerve respectively.) It’s also quite likely that these different nerve pathways produce different orgasmic sensations in women and men alike.

The deeper pleasure a man gets from prostate stimulation could perhaps be equivalent to the stimulation of the G spot in women.

And maybe it doesn’t matter whether this is true or not, so long as a woman receives the sexual pleasuring she needs? 

And, if you’re a woman who wants to enjoy vaginal orgasms, then please find out about the G spot and how to stimulate it. Both you and your man need to know how you can be stimulated most pleasurably in bed.

So what are these “sensational” conclusions?

Well, women can reach orgasm from both vaginal and clitoral stimulation. Yes, no surprise there.

(Some experts have suggested that the sensitive G spot, can actually reduce pain during birth / labor. You’ll know that if you’ve read about orgasmic birth on the Internet.)

And also, women who can obtain sexual pleasure through vaginal stimulation may have better physical and mental health than other women. No doubt.

And third. To contrast the two sides of this story, French gynaecologist Odile Buisson has said that stimulating the inside of the vagina is in fact a form of clitoral stimulation. While Stuart Brody, the psychologist at the University of West Scotland who was responsible for this research takes another view entirely. He says that  spreading the idea women can only be pleasured to orgasm by stimulation of the clitoris is “malpractice”.

And Emmanuele Jannini, who is a professor of endocrinology at an Italian university, has another view. He says this is important work for women, but obsessively searching for proof of the G spot orgasm will reduce the happiness and pleasure women get from sex.

In the end, of course, all that really matters is that a man knows how to please his woman and is sensitive to her needs.